“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
Carl Jung.
I often get asked, “So, what exactly does a recovery coach do?”
For those folk who have found and maintained their recovery in 12-step fellowships, or other ‘free for life’ communities, the idea that someone might pay someone else for their time and experience is sometimes deemed/judged to be a bit controversial.
“Surely you’re just getting paid to do something we (12-steppers) offer for free, isn’t that a bit un-spiritual?”
To which the snappy answer is
“Surely minding your own fucking business is the ‘spiritual’ thing to do, no?”
Of course, most people who have any informed interest in this sort of thing are fully congruent with the idea that if someone is willing to devote themselves to someone else, 24 hours a day, every day for weeks or even months on end, then yeah, getting paid seems reasonable enough. Particularly when the gig involves co-habiting with an individual who may well be as unhinged as a rusty barn door in a tornado, quite possibly still in possession of a desire to behave very badly indeed, then become unbearably self-pitying afterwards, again for days, weeks or months? Trust me, taking drugs is not a spectator sport and, guess what? As a coach/companion you might find yourself in close proximity to someone using drugs. Quite possibly the same drugs, with the same delivery method that was once so persuasive and all-encompassing to you.
You can’t leave though, unlike in the ‘real’ world of fellowship meetings, where after administering a “Keep coming back mate” hug you can flee to the comfort of your own home. Hoping (hopefully) that the individual you just left standing outside the meeting, can somehow stop using again. You can do that if you’re on the firm, but not on the payroll. Don’t get me wrong, I know plenty of people in recovery who have invited using addicts wanting to detox back into their home to destroy their best sofa with that unholy stinking sweat. I’ve been on both sides of that story, my own first weeks of recovery in 2006 involved the polluting of several Habitat sofas. I’ve also had to deep clean my own soft furnishings several times over the years as various comrades have fallen off the wagon then tried again (and again and again) to shake off the nastiest of nasty habits.
Anyway, coaching, come and have a go if you think you’re hard/soft enough.
It’s not as straightforward as you might think, for example;
I was briefly employed by one of those ‘fully recovered’ types from the microwave recovery mob. You possibly know the type, been clean about half an hour, done all 12-steps while smoking the same roll-up, fully conceded to the illness, and apparently now armed to the teeth with the FACTS. He wanted to ‘help’ people, but he also wanted to make a lot of money. It soon became apparent to me that my ‘boss’ actually wanted money more than he wanted to help others. Sure, he’d be delighted if his business had some benevolent and life-saving cases, but yeah, those Gucci trainers don’t come cheap, do they?
They were adamant that the client I’d been put in charge of, was to remain clean/sober NO MATTER WHAT. Thing is, nobody had told the young man involved that this was the deal. My employer had however, broken the first rule of fight club, ‘er I mean sober coaching, which is.
There is no fight club, by which I mean, inform whoever is paying the bill that there are NO guarantees here. You are NOT the recovery police or special forces; this is not a luxury prison in the community. A fact clearly missed by my ‘fully recovered, Gucci-trainer wearing, money-chasing, heading for his third relapse in 18 months ‘cos he kept trying to fuck newcomers, employer.
IN CASE YOU’VE FORGOTTEN.
You can’t and SHOULDN’T EVEN TRY to keep someone clean if they literally have no desire to be.
I don’t care how much their wealthy parent(s) are offering you, it’s not cool to promise something that can’t be delivered unless you intend to lock someone up with no access to the outside world at all. If that’s your ‘thing’, go and work in a prison, they love bullies in there. Unfortunately, there are also some practitioners who think they’re Mr Mackay, the over-zealous prison officer from 70’s sitcom, Porridge, I’m not one of them.
Had a nasty bout of Covid not ended my time with that particular client I was already getting ready to walk after his second relapse in a week. I say relapse, I mean, decision to get drunk because that’s what it was for him. Admittedly, he may well have died if I’d not resuscitated him after finding him collapsed on the bathroom floor two days into our time together, but hey, that’s just part of the job sometimes.
His life, his choices, his hangover and his, ever more frustrated parent(s) desperately trying to control him.
He was using the entire situation as a way to attack his father, in turn his father was throwing huge sums of money at my employer to try and enforce a situation that was not tenable, either morally or practically. The client wanted the dad to accept his sexuality, his dad didn’t want to, the kid got blackout drunk in protest at not being accepted, the dad put him in rehab every few months, the kid left rehab and drank again and so on and so forth. I soon realised that this particular pattern of behaviour had been going on since the lad had come-out to his folks. They were not happy about it. Without ‘consulting’ my employer, I emailed the dad explaining that this situation was damaging and utterly pointless, the dad phoned my employer, at which point my ‘boss’ displayed his true level of ‘spiritual recovery’ by making threats to me and saying I was bringing his agency/business into disrepute.
His ‘agency’ (which on closer inspection transpired to be a one-man band pretending to have offices on Harley Street) then demanded I leave the premises where this farce was playing out, they sent reinforcements in the shape of another ‘fully recovered’ wannabe prison officer, who also had a penchant for expensive trainers. I unfortunately then caught Covid, but they seemed completely unconcerned with that or how I might travel home. They wanted me out and their client to now be ‘guarded 24/7 by nurse Ratched. At the time, mid-pandemic, the law clearly stated that I was to stay put.
I feel I should point out that my ‘issue’ with the term ‘fully recovered’ in this particular instance is that both claimants to this particular recovery soapbox, were still chain-smokers. Now call me a bit judgemental but why would anyone claim to be fully recovered while still attempting a slow suicide by cigarettes?
I digress.
I had to leave, that much was made clear, so I disappeared in a cloud of (fag) smoke. Theirs, not mine obviously.
Regardless of what I, or you, or indeed my ‘boss’ thought about Covid, this incident happened at a time when nobody really knew what exactly we were dealing with and coughing and spluttering my guts up, sick as a dog on the train back to Margate, convinced I was systematically killing all the old people in the carriage, will not be something I forget anytime soon.
I won’t name names, so if you want to avoid employing the Bodgit and Scarper of recovery coaching, avoid any websites that have a photo of the ‘therapist’ wearing a tight-fitting suit, with a wristwatch bigger than a dinner plate and a bunch of meaningless ‘quotes’ provided by his mates/Sponsee in recovery. I would suggest that you contact one of the flagship drug/alcohol rehabs that have been operating for decades and thus, clearly know what they’re doing and are doing it appropriately. They will be able to advise you on an appropriate intervention and practitioner, if that is what is required.
I love a happy ending and remain in touch with the young man in question, despite being ‘warned’ not too by Mr Spirituality 12-step warrior, fully recovered knobhead. The young fellow in question eventually found a ‘happy’ place with his parents where all agreed to live and let live. He no longer feels the need to drink himself into oblivion in protest of their inbuilt homophobia, they too have moved on and ‘got with the program so to speak. In other words, he was never an alcoholic in need of over-zealous 12-step fanatics bullying him and trying to stigmatise him. He just needed a bit of love and patience as he found the most effective way to communicate his needs to the rest of his family. What I’m clumsily trying to say, is that being a recovery coach, just like being in recovery, is not always binary and just about the drugs or alcohol. As a good practitioner, you need to have the ability to look beyond the apparent ‘symptoms’ sometimes.
I should point out, that my own recovery is firmly rooted in a 12-step fellowship, I think they are wonderful and one of the various ways ANYONE can recover from addiction. However, ‘we’ have our fair share of ‘wrong uns’, just like in any pub, club, or gig, where there are humans, there are monsters too. There are some very unwell people who attend all those social places, and they also attend recovery fellowships. Some are trying to get well, others, no so much.
It’s not uncommon in certain circles for people to overly-enthusiastically ‘offer’ their guidance to people newly deposited into the maelstrom of early recovery. Literally bounding up to the doe-eyed and desperate newcomer promising to ‘take them through the work’ (12-steps) when they themselves are still wiping the afterbirth of addiction from their own lives.
Be wary of such types, you wouldn’t want driving lessons from a bloke who once worked on the dodgems but has yet to pass his ‘real’ driving test would you? You might also want them to have clocked up a few more miles than a trip round a carpark or some joyriding ‘back in the day?
I personally wouldn’t be looking for someone to guide me in recovery until they had a few YEARS clean/sober, in much the same way as I’d prefer to have surgery performed by someone with as much ‘real’ experience as possible rather than some gibbering wreck fresh out of med-school, who’s read all the books but has never made that first incision in ‘real’ life. But that’s just my ‘opinion’ and we all know what ‘they’ say about them.
Wise words as usual my friend. Keep up the great work Simon ✊🏴☠️