The 12-Steps of...

Disclaimer, if you're offended, go talk to your sponsor.

I’m probably right in assuming that most of the people who read this book, are not in recovery, based on the almost complete lack of interest in anything I do by my fellow retired, drug-abusing, Special-Brew drinking, bedwetting, brethren. I’m actually ok with that, I don’t read anything they post on their social media either.

If my use of certain ‘recovery’ language has baffled you slightly, here’s my own basic interpretation of the 12-step process. An appraisal that will almost certainly, reduce my quota of fellow retired, fag-butt smoking, dole scrounging, ‘I’d shag anyone for a pipe, miserabilists even further. They all love m Russell Brand though; you should see the queues for a selfie when he turns up at one of our events!

Anyway.

Step one.

Admit it, you’re fucked and there’s probably nobody left in your life to remind you of this fact, except you, it’s not like you ever listen to anyone else anyway, so admit it. No, I won’t lend you a tenner.

Step Two.

See these other nutjobs scoffing the stale biscuits in the meeting? Most of them are clean, they might be mental, but they’re clean, stick around for a while, see what happens. Your dealer is still on the same number if you fancy another relapse.

Step Three.

We possibly accepted that we need more help to stay clean than we initially thought. If you’ve made it this far, it’s unlikely that it’s all down to you, sorry to piss on your crackpipe. You had to learn from others how to cook up a hit, you’re gonna need to learn from others, how to stop doing it.

Step Four.

You are not a victim of circumstance, we suggest you might have a role to play in the shitshow you’re trying to escape from, try looking in the mirror, you might find some clues. You might also discover you’re not quite as ‘gangsta as you thought you were.

Step Five.

Nobody likes a grass, but it’s unlikely many people like you as a junkie either, it might be time unburden yourself of some of your own bullshit. Have a word with someone who was equally messed up, they might not judge you but if they do, at least you’ll get to hear about some of their fucked-up behaviour too. If their famous and you relapse, you can blackmail them.

Step Six.

I don’t believe in god, to do so would make him even more of a bastard than you, ‘cos he’s just sat on his arse in heaven watching all this shit take place and not raising so much as a finger to help. Don’t waste your time bothering him now, he didn’t care then, he certainly doesn’t now, so just stop acting like a twat all the time.

Step Seven.

Same as step six really, but in practical terms, that person who really annoys you in meetings, does so ‘cos they remind you of you, so, don’t be like that person anymore, if god could really help here, he’d sort all the other shit out too and we wouldn’t need the other 11 steps now, would we? If you don’t understand the concept of humility by this step, you’ve been lying to yourself, your sponsor and everyone who has to listen to your nonsense when you share, go back to step one. Failing that, steal all the money from your local meeting, have a relapse and find out more about your defects of character. You’ll be forgiven for stealing the money, ‘cos that’s the spiritual thing to do in recovery.

Step Eight.

If you’ve been a junkie for any decent length of time, chances are, you’re fucked over almost everyone you’ve met along the way. Write all their names down, you’re going to need that list shortly, but for now, don’t shit yourself and behave like the coward you’ve always been, it’s almost time to allow other people to tell you about yourself, face up to it, this is a program of change, you loser.

Step Nine.

Have a good look at that list, hopefully most of the people on there are all dead, in jail or unlikely to want to ever hear from you again, in which case, you’ve had a touch. If there are a few people that you need to speak to, we suggest you put the list back the magic draw of unpaid bills until you’ve got a few years clean, they’ve heard it all before, all that, I’m sorry bollocks. So just stay clean for a while and then maybe they’ll not want to kick you in the nuts when you turn up and try to convince them you’ve changed. Meanwhile, don’t behave like that again, otherwise, all this is completely pointless.

Step Ten.

Hopefully by now, you’re not leaving a trail of carnage in your wake, if however, you still find that nobody likes you and you can only get laid by a newcomer with no self-esteem, it’s probably time to put this book down and actually read some real recovery literature. Either that or you actually are the worst kind of human being and you might as well start using again.

Step Eleven.

Get a dog, move to the coast, make a really great Spotify playlist full of very loud and incredibly angry rocknroll and have a walk on the beach every morning. Play it as loud as possible as a way of avoiding the feelings of self-loathing that not working a proper recovery program will induce. Failing that, go to a meeting and cry, you might get some sympathy, unless it’s a CA meeting in which case they’ll just bang you over the head with the AA big book and tell you to stop whining.

Step Twelve.

Thanks for buying this book, you’ve really helped another recovering addict out, which is actually the primary purpose of 12-step fellowships, so well done you. Don’t lend it to anyone though, make them buy their own copy, otherwise they won’t experience the same spiritual awakening you’ve just had.

Step 13. Never heard of it.